Baker's Guide

Many of those who want to go vegetarian are often prevented by their confusion over all the terms that surround the issue. In order to help clarify the position, Geoff Baker - a vegetarian for 11 years - provides his own, possibly tounge in cheek, guide to the terms.

Carnivore - Most carnivores are in fact omnivores as they eat veg with their meat. Carnivores only eat meat and, history shows, tend to die out because of this. [Tyrannosaurus Rex was a famed carnivore.]

Vegan - From the Latin meaning "one who owns no socks".

Herbivore - One who eats only plants. Discouraged by gardeners. Most herbivores are called Rosemary.

Vegetarian - From the Portuguese 'vegitate' meaning one who will wait and wait until others see the wisdom of his ways. Vegetarians are fantastically good in bed, live in Maida Vale and can be reached by dialling 071... [That's enought of that - Ed]

Burger - An unattractive pancake of meat that test to curl at its edges and ooze grease. The term 'burger' was first coined by early vegetarians, following the exclamation "I'll be burgered if I'm eating that".

Demi-Vegetarian - Popular Western species found especially in the salons of Knightsbridge and Los Angeles.
'Demi-Veggies' believe that they are vegetarians as they "only eat fish and chicken". Demi-Veggies will get their's when they discover that God is actually a mackerel and the Holy Ghost is a rooster. Demi-Veggies did not buy many copies of the Small Faces hit All Or Nothing and are also fond of believing that one can be "almost pregnant".

OTHER USEFUL PHRASES EXPLAINED

'Eat Up Your Greens' - Command common to most mothers, it originated from cannibal tribes who always served up Friends of The Earth on Sundays.

'Oh, you're vegetarian, that's no problem.' - Popular phrase given to describe state of catatonic panic that overcame most housewives before the invention of Linda's Cookbook.

'Here's your vegetarian meal, I made it specially' - Sequential remark that follows the above at never less than a 90-minute interval, it describes the positioning of grated Cheddar cheese around lettuce and two bits of sliced tomato.